Tag Archives: fight

5 easy steps to always win an argument with your wife

bigstock_you_win_road_sign_4335631All I do is win win win no matter what…that’s how I roll!  LOL…not really…but seriously…I do.  One thing I always win is arguments with Julia.  So, what’s my secret you ask?  I’ll share it with you!

The first thing you need to realize is that you cannot “win an argument”.  Yes, you read that right.  It doesn’t matter how clever of a defense you come up with, or what sort of glaring mistakes you point out in the other person, you will lose.  Winning an argument is not predicated on proving who is right.  The more you continue to argue your point, the bigger the hole you are both in.

I know, I know…THAT’S TOUGH!  We all want to be right.  And it feels SO GOOD to lay down the hammers of justice and truth with some witty retorts and truth-bombs.  So, where does the “winning” come into play?  A win comes about by resolving the argument in a loving way where each of you learn and grow in your relationship.  BOOM!  So, you want the secret?  Here you go…

5-steps-office-renovation5 steps to take in order to win:

  1. Get to the root of what your wife is upset about.  Hint…it may not be what you originally think it is.  Ask some questions to make sure you understand what she’s upset about.
  2. Share your side of the story.  Be careful here because this step has the potential to stir things up more.  Make sure to be cautious and loving with any words you use.  This step is important because it’s important for BOTH of you to understand where the other person is coming from.
  3. Figure out what part of the argument is your fault.  I don’t mean figure out what % at fault you are, then compare that to her…but figure out what YOU did wrong.  If you are arguing with your wife, you did SOMETHING wrong.
  4. Take a minute to calm down.  Maybe go to a different room or take a short walk.  Use the time to think and pray for perspective.
  5. Apologize first.  Admit what you did wrong and be genuinely sorry about it.

I bet you’ll find that if you go through these steps, the argument will soon be a thing of the past.  Then…YOU WIN!  That doesn’t mean you “won the argument” by being right, but rather that “you won” by resolving the argument and both of you growing.

Why I will NOT teach my son to “be a man”

You know you’ve all heard it…”come on…be a man!”  This is usually said when someone is showing weakness of some sort and another man wants him to suck it up and tough it out.  But, what does that mean…to “be a man”?  From when I was born, TV, movies, commercials, and other people have drilled home the concept that being a man looks something like this:manly-men-fb

  • Never shows weakness
  • Doesn’t ask for directions
  • Often has a beard
  • Doesn’t cry
  • Solves problems with his fists
  • Doesn’t clean bathrooms, vacuum, or do laundry
  • Only cooks if it’s on the grill
  • Doesn’t ask for help
  • Always toughs it out

Now, there is obviously nothing wrong with a couple of these.  Having a beard…that’s fun.  Toughing it out…that can be good sometimes.  But, I have a real problem with the majority of the things on this list.  It’s interesting because they’ve been drilled into my mind for so long that they seem normal though.

overly-manly-man-the-best-of-L-CyvWgHLet’s step outside and settle this like men:
Sure…I love seeing a movie where a scrawny kid beats the stew out of a bully twice his size who won’t leave him alone.  Or, when someone insults a guy’s mom and he turns and goes Jason Bourne on him.  It seems cool, but really…is that what I want Eli to learn?  That being tough and being a man means you solve problems with your fists?  It looks good in a movie but can put you in jail in real life.  I would much rather him grow up to have an even temperament and be a man that knows how to reason, talk, and use common sense instead of his fists.

crying-manCrying like a girl:
“A real man doesn’t cry…come on man, don’t be a girl…only girls cry…are you crying??!!”  Why is it that there is a stigma to guys crying?  Sure, the average woman cries A LOT more than the average man.  That’s just part of how we’re made.  But, I think an injustice has been done by forcing men to feel they need to suppress it.  If I can be vulnerable with my family, be willing to share my feelings, and be okay with crying, my son will learn from my example.  He will learn that it’s ok to be real with people and that crying is a natural reflection of showing emotions.  That it’s not something to suppress or that makes you less of a man.  Personally, I don’t do well in this area…but I’m working on showing my emotions more authentically.  So, I salute you James Van Der Beek.  Keep it real!

Men DirectionsAsking for directions or help:
So what’s a better scenario:
– Reading the instructions and then putting together an Ikea desk quickly (in 3 hours).  Or figuring it out on your own, making a few mistakes, having to backtrack some, and either putting it together incorrectly or having to go back and get the directions out anyway, and as a result you take 5 hours?
– Stopping while driving to ask for directions, and getting to the right place the first time.  Or, NOT stopping and trying to find it on your own…getting lost a couple times and eventually finding the right place, but taking longer to get there.

Do you get an extra badge by doing it on your own?  NO, there is nothing to be gained by fumbling through something, when you could have done it right the first time by getting help.  That’s called being smart, practical, and efficient.  Don’t teach your son that it makes you less of a man to do so.

E1XMYH_Gender_ineq_3062832bDoing women’s work:
It’s such an outdated chauvinistic perspective to think that a “real man” doesn’t contribute around the house like a woman does.  I want my son to see me cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, baking pies, and making casseroles.  I want him to learn that it is normal to help…no matter what the area is.  That way, it will be natural for him to grow up to love his wife in that way too.

To clarify, I DO want to teach my son to be a man.  I want him to learn to lead and love his family, to be responsible, to do his best, to be giving and loving to others, to be selfless, to be real with people, and to be a helper.  I do NOT want to teach him to be the type of man that stereotypes have created over the years.

My challenge to you:
You may disagree with me on some of these areas, and that’s ok.  But, if what I’m saying DOES make sense to you, try to identify if you’re guilty of perpetrating any of the negative stereotypes of what is required of a “real man”.  Make sure you model it and teach others what you really want them to learn.