Monthly Archives: May 2015

My wife will never be all I need

IMG_1506Guys have needs…can I get an amen out there??  I don’t often consciously think about what my needs are.  But, the one time I really realize it is when a specific need isn’t being met.  When it’s been a while since I’ve been hiking or camping, I realize I have a need to get outdoors.  When I haven’t been spending time with God, I realize my need for spiritual direction.  When Julia and I haven’t been on a date in a while, I realize I need quality time with her.  I have A LOT of needs.  The list goes on…eating food, having friends, feeling safe, a sense of accomplishment at work, sexual intimacy, exercising, getting enough rest, etc.  Unfortunately, some guys place unfair expectations on their wives to meet them.  

The phrase “you complete me” was made popular by the movie Jerry McGuire, but this statement couldn’t be further from the truth.  Your wife will NEVER complete you.  She WILL make your life better.  She WILL help meet SOME of your needs, but expecting her to fill every void in your life is a disaster waiting to happen.  There are some needs in your life that it IS your wife’s role to fill.  This centers around the design of marriage and bringing two people together as one.  You are BOTH meant to work together as parents, as managers of where you live and what it takes to make life happen, and to meet the physical and emotional needs in your relationship with each other.  But there are many needs in life that fall outside of this.

One major source of meeting your needs is YOU!  As great as your wife may be, she doesn’t know what you need better than you do.  Take responsibility for yourself.  If you feel down because you don’t enjoy your job, or if you are disappointed with the number of friends you have, don’t take it out on your wife.  She can’t make up for it by loving you more in other areas.  You need to evaluate what your needs are, and if something is lacking, think about what can be done to meet it.  An even better idea is to involve your wife in the conversation.  There is a good chance she will have some great ideas!

But, the biggest factor in this conversation isn’t you or your wife, it is your relationship with God.  Everything good in MY life is a blessing from Him.  He is the ONLY one that can complete me, because He is ALL I NEED!  A lack of outdoors time or playing sports don’t mean anything compared to the presence of God.  If you are living in Him…there is nothing else in life that truly matters.

My challenge to you:

If you are disappointed with how your needs are being met or feel there is a void in your life, don’t blame your wife!  First and foremost, take it to God.  Spend time in prayer asking Him to reveal what needs to happen in your life, and to help you put all your trust in Him.  Then, reflect on what YOU can do to meet those needs.  Lastly, if there is something still lacking that involves your wife, talk with her about it in a loving and respectful way.  But, at the same time, try to find if there are any needs YOU are not meeting for HER.

Stale Grandma Biscotti

IMG_2932I despise lazy weekend days.  I know that may seem strange to many of you, but I do.  I love Saturdays, but only when I have a project I’m working on, or an activity I’m doing, or some friends I have plans to hang out with.  I can do lazy for a couple hours, but then I get antsy and start wandering around the house looking for things to do.  One of my go-to activities to fill these lazy times is baking.  If I’m not going to do anything productive, I figure I might as well use my time to make some sort of awesome dessert!  Cookies, brownies, truffles, cinnamon rolls, muffins…whatever mood I happen to be in.  I’ll look online, find something that looks yummy and try it out.

IMG_2488One day, I was in one of these moods and after pacing around the kitchen, I announced that I was going to make some biscotti.  Now biscotti had been one of my staples to make.  They take some effort, but turn out good and are fun to do.  Well, after hearing about my plan, Julia offered her opinion in the form of, “why don’t you make some chocolate chip cookies instead?”  I was a little confused.  Since I already had my plan made, I didn’t really want to change, but wanted to find out the root of why she suggested the change, so I asked her if she didn’t like biscotti.  She responded, “they taste like stale grandma cookies!”  Ouch!  I did not see that coming.  So you know what I did?  I made chocolate chip cookies.  Why?  Because they’re awesome!  And because if I’m going to make something awesome…it might as well be something Julia wants too.  And…that was the last time I made biscotti.

Fast forward about a year.  I was making something in the kitchen the other day when Julia asked me, “Why don’t you ever make biscotti anymore?  Those were SO good!”  I laughed to myself and related to her my last memory of trying to make them.  She was so embarrassed and apologized, and we both laughed about it.  Apparently she actually does like them.  Apparently she just wasn’t in the mood for them that day and thought cookies would have been better.  So, about a week later, during some nothing-going-on time, I made some more biscotti.  They were awesome…and the world rejoiced.

My challenge to you:

Be careful with your words.  This scenario wasn’t a big deal.  I wasn’t hurt and we didn’t suffer from lack of desserts (which would have been the true crime), but it is a good example to show how one small statement, that may not be what you actually mean to say, can be taken to heart and can change someone’s actions.  Imagine if you made a flippant remark to your wife about an outfit, or her looks, or something she’s done for you.  What kind of impact do you think that would have on her?  Do you think she would remember it?  Say what you mean and mean what you say.