Monthly Archives: December 2014

A new year’s resolution your wife will be glad you made

o-NEW-YEARS-RESOLUTIONS-2014-CANADA-facebookIn reality, there is nothing special about January 1st.  Sure, it’s a new calendar year, but it’s really no different than the day before.  To be honest, I feel the concept of new year’s resolutions is a little silly.  If something is so important to someone, why wait until January 1st to start doing it?!  Why not start whenever you first realize you should be doing it?!

But, I DO often make resolutions in a new year.  Not because that’s the only time I can convince myself to do something, but because I like to take the opportunity to think about my life and what I may want to change about it.  The new year is a good reminder to try to focus on something that I wouldn’t otherwise have thought about.

Sometimes my resolution has something to do with my health or fitness.  Sometimes it’s about my spiritual life.  Sometimes it is something to do with my family.  This year, my resolution is to spend more time in prayer.  I want to work prayer into my life more…in the morning, before bed, with my family, when things are going well, and when they’re going badly.  I want it to be more of a REGULAR part of my life.

Change-Ahead-signIf you’ve been following this blog and feel there are some areas you could use some focus on concerning your role as a husband, maybe January 1st is a good time to make a resolution!  To get you started, here are some possible ideas…

  • I resolve to do more around the house to help out:  Maybe add one more chore to your regular responsibility list that your wife has done in the past.  Or maybe just identify a few things that you normally don’t help with and try to look for chances to intentionally take care of them.
  • I resolve to feed into my wife’s main love language:  Go all out and constantly try to love her in that area.  If you don’t know about love languages, see my earlier post about it.  If you’re not showing her love in this, it would be a great area for you to focus on.
  • I resolve to be more selfless:  The biggest enemy to a strong marriage is selfishness.  Where do you eat?  What do you watch on tv?  What music do you listen to in the car?  What color couch do you buy?  Being married means you work together on decisions like these (and millions of others).  A leader who always gets what he wants could be seen as a dictator.  A GOOD leader is one who thinks more of others than himself.  For the new year, try to focus on being more selfless.
  • I resolve to be a better spiritual leader:  What is the spiritual health of your family like?  How much of it’s health is due to YOUR influence?  Think about some ways you can help your family grow.  Family prayer time, family devotional time, or leading by example in personal study and prayer…these are all possible things to focus on.

Remember, January 1st is a new day and is the perfect chance to think about something you may want to do differently.  Whatever it is, cover it with prayer and ask God to help you sustain change to allow your to bless your wife and others.

The googaly-eyed guy…I didn’t realize what I was teaching my son

FullSizeRender 2At Christmas time, we have a tradition of hiding a small ornament in the tree.  This started when I was young when my brothers and I would hide small elves.  Now, for our family we have a green googaly-eyed guy.  After it is hidden, other people try to find it.  If they find it, then THEY hide it…and so on.  One day, I hid the ornament and Eli was trying to find it, but he was having trouble.  After a minute of looking, he asked me to give him a clue.  I wanted him to have the satisfaction of finding it on his own, so I told him, “no clues, you need to find it on your own”.  He kept asking me (to no avail) and started getting frustrated that I wouldn’t help.  Eventually he was pouting standing in a corner facing the wall.  At this point, of course I can’t give in, which would reward bad behavior.  Soon after, he got out of his funk and promptly found the googaly man on his own.  He was excited that he found it and immediately forgot about his pouting from a minute earlier.

FullSizeRenderMy instinct as a parent in situations like this is to teach Eli how to do things on his own.  I tend to want to teach him to be self reliant and to not give up when things get difficult.  I feel there is a definite purpose and benefit in these concepts.   It is important for a man to be able to work hard and not throw in the towel just because of a failed attempt out of the gate or if something takes a little longer than expected.

However, after the tree hiding incident was over, Julia had an interesting thought…which really got me thinking.  By refusing to help Eli when he asked, I am actually reinforcing the concept that he SHOULDN’T ask for help.  In addition to the arguably “good” things I mentioned above, I am also teaching him that he doesn’t NEED help.  I am subtly teaching him that all he needs in life is to rely on his own brains and his own strength to be able to accomplish something.  

Wow, I didn’t think about that!  But that is NOT what I want him to learn.  Sure, it’s nice to be smart and strong and determined.  But, even more than those things, I want Eli to grow up to be a man who knows how to work with others.  I want him to be someone who knows his strengths and weaknesses.  I want him to actively pursue asking for help as a way for both HIM to be more effective and as a way to encourage and promote the strengths and abilities of other people.

This also has huge spiritual implications.  As a follower of Christ, the LAST thing I want Eli to learn is how to rely on himself to get things done.  One of the biggest deterrents to following Jesus is when you think you don’t need help.  If you feel you can do it all on your own, and you’ve been raised to never ask for help, then it will be very difficult for your faith in Christ to be real, active, and powerful.  

What Eli was doing was actually quite commendable.  His goal was to find the ornament.  So, after a minute of looking on his own, he went straight to the source of knowledge (the person who hid it) to ask for help.  What if I took a page from Eli’s book?  When I’m struggling in life, how often do I wallow trying to push through and figure things out on my own?!  What if I went straight to the source of knowledge (God) after a “minute of looking” and asked him to help?!

But now what do I do!  As a parent, I don’t want to coddle to his every need and request.  There still is something to be said for teaching him how to work hard and persevere.  But, I want to find a way to do that without squelching his desire to ask for help.  This is a tough balance.  I don’t have the answers, but nevertheless, it is a good thing to keep in mind.  I will continue to pray that God will help me to raise him as best as I can, and to show me what to teach him.

My challenge to you:

Think about what you’re teaching your kids.  Figure out what traits you ultimately want your kids to have as men or women, and make sure the things you teach them point them in that direction.  And most importantly, make sure to rely on God to HELP YOU in this task.

What you should NOT get your wife for Christmas…and what you SHOULD

girl-unhappy-with-present-s3-medium_newIt’s that time of year again.  When our houses are lit a little brighter, our Starbucks cups turn red, and our Facebook feeds are filled with pictures of elves on shelves doing crazy things.  During this time of year, there is one question that ALWAYS must be answered…what present should I get my wife for Christmas?

Top 5 list: Worst gift ideas

  1. Anything that is actually a present for YOU.  Does she really want that 60” TV?  Would she really enjoy 2 tickets to the Falcons game?  Did she ask for sexy lingerie?  Come on…give her something that SHE wants…not you.
  2. Something you were already planning to buy.  Let’s imagine you had both discussed the idea of buying something and both agreed that you should do it…but you just hadn’t gotten around to do it yet.  Buying it as a gift and wrapping it up under the tree is a great way to get out of having to buy something else, but is that really showing her love…if you were already going to give her it anyway?
  3. Something that shows you didn’t put much thought into it.  A gift card, generic jewelry, a box of chocolate…these don’t typically show that you thought much about what to get her…UNLESS those are things she actually wants.  But generally, if a gift is easy, convenient and doesn’t show much thought, it’s not going to convey that you were thinking about her much.
  4. Something UNDER her expectations.  Your wife is going to have some sort of expectation of the cost of the present she’s being given.  If you typically spend about $200 on each other, but this year to save money you buy a couple $25 sweaters and call it a day, she’s probably going to be disappointed.  If money is tight, talk about it beforehand so you both are on the same page.  Also, it’s worth noting that many gifts have a “cost” to them without that cost being monetary.  These are often some of the best gifts.  Just don’t let her feel short changed that you didn’t spend enough money/time/effort on getting her a gift.
  5. Something that sends a negative message.  Don’t get your wife a scale, a gym membership, or something that shows you want her to change.  Unless it is something she specifically asked for, it could easily make her feel worse.

Top 5 list: Best gift ideas

  1. Something she actually wants.  Put some effort into figuring out what she wants.  Maybe you take note of things she mentions over time.  Or maybe you get a list of ideas from her.  Either way, she is going to appreciate getting something that she actually wants.
  2. Something that shows you put thought or effort into it.  Some of the best gifts are the ones that you can’t order from Amazon.  If you put a lot of time and effort into making something for her, chances are she is going to appreciate it no matter what it is.
  3. Something that will make her think of you.  A DVD she wants is fine.  A bag of her favorite candy is cool.  But a gift that makes her remember YOU every time she sees it or uses it will be much better.
  4. Something OVER her expectations.  If she’s anticipating you buying her an iPad, get her a scarf to go with it.  Or…if she’s expecting a regular gift from the mall, put a lot of thought into a special gift that you make.  If you normally spend around $200, every once in a while go big if there is a perfect gift idea that costs more.  Obviously, it’s important to be financially responsible and you shouldn’t spend money you don’t have.  But, sometimes it can mean a lot to do a little more than what she expects.
  5. An experience, rather than a product.  A special date night, a weekend getaway, dance or art lessons,  going skydiving.  These are ideas that will create memories together which can last a long time.

I just called to say I love you

telephone_loveMost weekdays I see my wife briefly in the morning and then not again until the afternoon.  Since we spend most of the day away from each other, it only leaves a few hours for us to be together in the evening.  This is especially true when either of us has something else going on at night.  It is not unusual for us to go several days where we work during the day and alternate different activities at night…and as a result barely see each other or get to talk.  I don’t know if any of you ever get into that place, but I hate it!  By the time we finally get to spend some time together, we don’t feel very connected.

I’ve found a good way to help with this.  Don’t let the day go by without touching base with your wife.  It could be a quick call during lunch just to see how the day is going or to let her know you were thinking about her.  Or, it could be as simple as an email or a text message.  Neither of these take much time, but can go a long ways in staying connected.

This is even more important if you’re ever out of town for a while.  That can be a tough time, especially for the one who is at home.  Simple ways of staying in touch help her to know she is important.  And it takes very little effort on your part…other than simply remembering to do it.  Which, by definition, shows you were thinking of her!

I don’t always do a good job of this.  Many days I’m caught up in work and don’t have a chance to stop and think about my wife…much less remember to take the time to contact her.  I notice it when this happens…in the evenings, we aren’t as connected.

My challenge to you:
If you and your wife are apart for any length of time (work day, out of town, etc), make sure to take the time to say hey.  Let her know that you love her and were thinking of her.